Not sure what I'm feeling this week. I had a dream last night about someone from my past that I loved dearly. In the dream I was telling him that I loved him and a woman in white kept telling me that it was time for me to go. I struggled with her to let me stay and she just kept pulling my arm down a long white hallway. I was crying, screaming, pleading to make sure this person knew how much I loved them. And then it was over - I was surrounded by white and I was alone.
I can't tell you how often I have these dreams...well, they are really nightmares of a time in my life that I'm reliving and it hurts me. I was never one to really believe that PTSD was a true disability, an honest diagnosis, until I began to live it. It isn't easy....actually I'd really like it to just go away and leave me alone. I don't want to remember how close I came to meeting my Maker and what could have happened had He not let me live. And the dreams are always me seeing myself dying. It's hard to deal with.
I think God is trying to tell me something. I know that I was spared for a reason, however I'm still finding what that is. What I think these dreams mean is that I need to tell the people in my life how I feel about them, how much they mean to me and what I think our relationship is and/or what I think needs to be done to make it better. That is no easy task. I'm an easy cryer. Brace yourselves.
