A Calling...

Do you ever feel that overwhelming fire in the pit of your stomach that tells you that something great is planned for you but you have no clue what it is?  That God is trying to lead you in a direction and you just blindly have to follow, unsure really of how you got there or what the purpose is?  Welcome to the last few months of my life.

It is a fantastic feeling...one that I can't express in words.  God understands it, He knows what's in my heart and He has big plans for me.  He could have easily taken this life from me several times over the last few months, but instead he was there with me, holding my hand and whispering in my ear "you have to keep fighting Catherine...I won't let you give up...you are strong".

It's not easy to be strong sometimes.  Sometimes I really want to roll over and just give up.  But I know I won't because in the back of my mind it repeats to me over and over, "you have to keep fighting Catherine...I won't let you give up...you are strong". 

Every new medical professional I see says the same thing to me - how are you still here?  How are you still alive?  How are you still walking and not wearing oxygen?  One word:  determination.  I'm not a quitter and I don't label myself as being disabled, although I am.  What does the word "disabled" mean anyway?  To me it just means someone that is not as able as they used to be but they've learned ways to work with what they've got. 

Do I have bad days?  You bet.  Do I have days where I can't get out of bed?  All the time.  Do I have days where I struggle to put one foot in front of the other?  Absolutely.  But you know what I also have?  Strength, compassion, hope, optimism and the will to survive.  There is no cure for what I have.  It will continue to progress and I will continue to degenerate.  Some days will leave me crying but for the most part, I don't allow the diagnosis to define who I am as a person.

So the real reason for my post is that God has a huge plan for my life.  I will continue to seek my purpose in this life and on this Earth.  I know that I will find it.  All my life I have been driven to volunteer and give back to my community, it fulfills me and warms my heart.  As unfortunate as all of my medical conditions are, maybe this is God's way of saying that I have more time to focus on paying it forward.

As you read this, please don't feel sorry for me.  I am one very lucky girl.  I have struggles, but my support system is more than anyone could possibly dream for.  Just pray with me, encourage me and Lord, show me the way.  Amen.

I'm really trying....

This week has been one that I'd really like to forget, but I know that I can't.  There are some things that I have to face and deal with, and although extremely difficult, there is a chapter in my life that needs an ending.  When I get that ending however, it won't truly be the end as this is something I have to live with for the rest of my life.  I pray that the flashbacks and nightmares will end but there's no way to predict that.  So here's what's on my mind.

After nearly dying several times over the last few months, I'm seeking justice against those responsible and asking them to be held accountable for their actions.  It's not in my nature to do so and it's stressing me out more than anyone can imagine.  Having to listen to someone read my medical records to me, realizing everything that I struggled with to survive and just being reminded of it, makes me very emotional.  It's easy to provide a brief synopsis of what I went through, as I then tend to change the subject, but discussing it in detail is enough to push me over the edge.

As if my own issues weren't enough, Lucas went through allergy testing on Friday and he has some very serious allergies.  As I struggle with changing both of our diets (I don't feel it's fair that I eat something he can't have), I'm pretty overwhelmed.  I wish I would have gotten him tested earlier.  All those times that he complained about stomach pain, had fevers for no explained reason, had joint and bone pains...who would have known it was because of what he was eating or being exposed to.  I know that I can't beat myself up over it and it doesn't say by any means that I'm a bad mother...I just want to FIX him and make the transition easier on him.  Maybe I'm being too hard on myself.  I love that little boy more than anything and don't want to see him hurting.  More on the things that hurt him in another blog. 

I'm ending this week with a much needed evening out with my amazing friends.  They are always there to support me, to lift me up when I feel like I'm drowning and to hug me when I don't even realize I need it.  Love my soul sister!!!!