This week has been one that I'd really like to forget, but I know that I can't. There are some things that I have to face and deal with, and although extremely difficult, there is a chapter in my life that needs an ending. When I get that ending however, it won't truly be the end as this is something I have to live with for the rest of my life. I pray that the flashbacks and nightmares will end but there's no way to predict that. So here's what's on my mind.
After nearly dying several times over the last few months, I'm seeking justice against those responsible and asking them to be held accountable for their actions. It's not in my nature to do so and it's stressing me out more than anyone can imagine. Having to listen to someone read my medical records to me, realizing everything that I struggled with to survive and just being reminded of it, makes me very emotional. It's easy to provide a brief synopsis of what I went through, as I then tend to change the subject, but discussing it in detail is enough to push me over the edge.
As if my own issues weren't enough, Lucas went through allergy testing on Friday and he has some very serious allergies. As I struggle with changing both of our diets (I don't feel it's fair that I eat something he can't have), I'm pretty overwhelmed. I wish I would have gotten him tested earlier. All those times that he complained about stomach pain, had fevers for no explained reason, had joint and bone pains...who would have known it was because of what he was eating or being exposed to. I know that I can't beat myself up over it and it doesn't say by any means that I'm a bad mother...I just want to FIX him and make the transition easier on him. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. I love that little boy more than anything and don't want to see him hurting. More on the things that hurt him in another blog.
I'm ending this week with a much needed evening out with my amazing friends. They are always there to support me, to lift me up when I feel like I'm drowning and to hug me when I don't even realize I need it. Love my soul sister!!!!
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