A Calling...

Do you ever feel that overwhelming fire in the pit of your stomach that tells you that something great is planned for you but you have no clue what it is?  That God is trying to lead you in a direction and you just blindly have to follow, unsure really of how you got there or what the purpose is?  Welcome to the last few months of my life.

It is a fantastic feeling...one that I can't express in words.  God understands it, He knows what's in my heart and He has big plans for me.  He could have easily taken this life from me several times over the last few months, but instead he was there with me, holding my hand and whispering in my ear "you have to keep fighting Catherine...I won't let you give up...you are strong".

It's not easy to be strong sometimes.  Sometimes I really want to roll over and just give up.  But I know I won't because in the back of my mind it repeats to me over and over, "you have to keep fighting Catherine...I won't let you give up...you are strong". 

Every new medical professional I see says the same thing to me - how are you still here?  How are you still alive?  How are you still walking and not wearing oxygen?  One word:  determination.  I'm not a quitter and I don't label myself as being disabled, although I am.  What does the word "disabled" mean anyway?  To me it just means someone that is not as able as they used to be but they've learned ways to work with what they've got. 

Do I have bad days?  You bet.  Do I have days where I can't get out of bed?  All the time.  Do I have days where I struggle to put one foot in front of the other?  Absolutely.  But you know what I also have?  Strength, compassion, hope, optimism and the will to survive.  There is no cure for what I have.  It will continue to progress and I will continue to degenerate.  Some days will leave me crying but for the most part, I don't allow the diagnosis to define who I am as a person.

So the real reason for my post is that God has a huge plan for my life.  I will continue to seek my purpose in this life and on this Earth.  I know that I will find it.  All my life I have been driven to volunteer and give back to my community, it fulfills me and warms my heart.  As unfortunate as all of my medical conditions are, maybe this is God's way of saying that I have more time to focus on paying it forward.

As you read this, please don't feel sorry for me.  I am one very lucky girl.  I have struggles, but my support system is more than anyone could possibly dream for.  Just pray with me, encourage me and Lord, show me the way.  Amen.